Capitalism, Part 1

In a capitalist society, I think it’s very easy for human emotions to get all out of whack because everyone’s your competitor.


This starts right from when you’re babies. Before their offspring can even shit without crying, parents are already trying to give their little pink pudgeballs a “competitive edge.” Even fetuses aren’t safe from the melodramatic ramblings of Germans in powdered wigs who arn’t fooling anybody (suck it, Mozart!)


What ends up being sculpted into the head of these new life creatures is not so much  the overrated compositions of overgrown child piano prodigies (suck it, Mozart!), but rather these children are encumbered by a terrible competitive streak. This demon of Darwinism hangs on the shoulder of capitalists citizens like a very knowledgeable scientist who likes to start fights. I know this because I have one of my own. His provocations are unprovoked, loud, and never appropriate.

Shat 3


This little voice in my head makes me see any event I’m in as some vital competition. My primitive monkey-brain kicks in and makes me think I’m being powerful when really all I’m being is kind of a tool. Whatever I’m feeling insecure at the moment comes out in this giant explosion of desperate assertion.


shat 5


The serotonin rush lasts much longer than it should. I don’t know how brains are supposed to work, but they probably shouldn’t reward you for acting like a jerk. Mine totally does.

Shat 7


I don’t exit this state for any moral reasons. Instead, like a true capitalist, I only begin to regret my decisions when it directly affects the bottom line…

Shat 8


In short, Capitalism and the Social Darwinist tendencies it creates are absolutely perfect and should never be questioned. (Suck it, Mozart!)




11 thoughts on “Capitalism, Part 1

  1. Pingback: #Capitalism #Competititon #Humour #Cartoon | johndwmacdonald

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