The best thing about this time of the year is everything starts having a theme. Coffee isn’t just coffee, it’s Pumpkin-Spice Coffee. Sugar cookies aren’t just sugar cookies, they’re Pumpkin-Spice sugar cookies. Orange gourds aren’t just orange gourds; they’re Pumpkin-Spice Pumpkins.
If you don’t live in America, first off, I’m sorry. Make fun of our imperialistic, oligarcian nature all you want, but we fucking know how to market a season. We can take something as gross as the orange-lard-goop from a pumpkin and make it seem like the greatest thing since manna fell from heaven. It doesn’t matter what the product is – slap a pumpkin on it during this time of year and it will sell. That’s called stimulating the economy, motherfuckers.
So, as is my duty, I make sure to stimulate the economy all I can around this time of year. I bought a bag of candy corn, even though it tastes awful. I bought cookies with spooky bats on them even though, once cooked, the bats just look like black blobs. I even bought the Halloween-only cereals that come out this time of year.
(YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE FREE ADVERTISING, BOO BERRY!!!)
Of course, dry cereal is slightly-sweet fodder as far as I’m concerned, so I had to purchase milk as well. This is where I crossed the line.
That’s right. I purchased orange milk, the most unappetizing color you could possibly give to a liquid. If you’re revolted, that means you have good, human instincts. But, before you judge me, please take a closer look.
See it? Look again.
No artificial growth hormones and No high fructose corn syrup. In terms of the dairy industry, this might as well be a three hundred-year old bottle of wine made of grapes harvested by Napoleon himself.
Did you think this was a morality tale about the fallacy of marketing?
This is a morality tale about me being AWESOME!!!
Keep being awesome you morally upstanding consumer you. I stand behind you in your crusade.
Another hilarious installment you have here. It is so true that people go crazy buying stuff just because it matches holidays that are coming up. I have never heard of orange milk, or milk being sold as any other color but white, for that manner. I also really enjoy your comic about a liberal not wanting to buy a gun, but once it is pumpkin flavored, then they are all over it. Awesome job!
I work at Starbucks and you are definitely onto something with pumpkin spiced coffee. EVERYONE wants one.
… Orange milk? Da fuck?
Awesome post. America is way too easy to make fun of, but that’s what makes it so fun! You need to keep this blog going after class is over, there are more holidays (i.e. every single holiday) to make fun of!