The best thing about this time of the year is everything starts having a theme. Coffee isn’t just coffee, it’s Pumpkin-Spice Coffee. Sugar cookies aren’t just sugar cookies, they’re Pumpkin-Spice sugar cookies. Orange gourds aren’t just orange gourds; they’re Pumpkin-Spice Pumpkins.
If you don’t live in America, first off, I’m sorry. Make fun of our imperialistic, oligarcian nature all you want, but we fucking know how to market a season. We can take something as gross as the orange-lard-goop from a pumpkin and make it seem like the greatest thing since manna fell from heaven. It doesn’t matter what the product is – slap a pumpkin on it during this time of year and it will sell. That’s called stimulating the economy, motherfuckers.
So, as is my duty, I make sure to stimulate the economy all I can around this time of year. I bought a bag of candy corn, even though it tastes awful. I bought cookies with spooky bats on them even though, once cooked, the bats just look like black blobs. I even bought the Halloween-only cereals that come out this time of year.
(YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE FREE ADVERTISING, BOO BERRY!!!)
Of course, dry cereal is slightly-sweet fodder as far as I’m concerned, so I had to purchase milk as well. This is where I crossed the line.
That’s right. I purchased orange milk, the most unappetizing color you could possibly give to a liquid. If you’re revolted, that means you have good, human instincts. But, before you judge me, please take a closer look.
See it? Look again.
No artificial growth hormones and No high fructose corn syrup. In terms of the dairy industry, this might as well be a three hundred-year old bottle of wine made of grapes harvested by Napoleon himself.
Did you think this was a morality tale about the fallacy of marketing?
This is a morality tale about me being AWESOME!!!