Waiting for Satan

In a capitalist society, I think it’s very easy for human emotions to get all out of whack because everyone’s your competitor.

shat1

This starts right from when you’re babies. Before their offspring can even shit without crying, parents are already trying to give their little pink pudgeballs a “competitive edge.” Even fetuses aren’t safe from the melodramatic ramblings of Germans in powdered wigs who arn’t fooling anybody (suck it, Mozart!)

What ends up being sculpted into the head of these new life creatures is not so much the overrated compositions of overgrown child piano prodigies (suck it, Mozart!), but rather these children are encumbered by a terrible competitive streak. This demon of Darwinism hangs on the shoulder of capitalists citizens like a very knowledgeable scientist who likes to start fights. I know this because I have one of my own. His provocations are unprovoked, loud, and never appropriate.

This little voice in my head makes me see any event I’m in as some vital competition. My primitive monkey-brain kicks in and makes me think I’m being powerful when really all I’m being is kind of a tool. Whatever I’m feeling insecure at the moment comes out in this giant explosion of desperate assertion.

The serotonin rush lasts much longer than it should. I don’t know how brains are supposed to work, but they probably shouldn’t reward you for acting like a jerk. Mine totally does.

I don’t exit this state for any moral reasons. Instead, like a true capitalist, I only begin to regret my decisions when it directly affects the bottom line…

In short, Capitalism and the Social Darwinist tendencies it creates are absolutely perfect and should never be questioned. (Suck it, Mozart!)

~Fin

So on my campus there’s these dudes that sometimes come up to you. I think there might be girls too, but so far only dudes have come up to me, and they always say something like “can I ask you a question real quick?”

They always say “real quick” or “real fast” in order to emphasize how brief the time you spend together will be, like I’m expected to believe the dude chatting up strangers doesn’t have a lot of free time.

Back in early years, when I was naïve and optimistic freshman, I actually tried to listen to these guys. We’re all part of this beautiful collegiate learning family, aren’t we? Why shouldn’t I listen to what my brother in education has to say?

As it turns out, they only cared about one thing…Our Lord and Savior—Jesus Christmas.

I have dubbed these men the esteemed title of JESUS BROS.

Now, Freshman Me was never a huge fan of organized religion, no matter how ripped and delicately draped in loincloths they made their personal saviors. Even as a kid, I was pretty sure that Jesus looked less like a Hitler’s ideal swimwear model and more like the people we were at ~~war~~ peaceful conflict mission with.

Nevertheless, I thought that these people might have something to offer me, so every time one of these guys approached me on campus I tried to listen.

Pretty soon, however, I began to realize these guys didn’t share my platonic concept of open dialects. Instead, they liked to hit rhetorical passive aggression statements like “If you had the chance to save your soul right now, only a fool would pass up this opportunity, right?” or “If someone loves you with all his heart, shouldn’t you at least try to love him back?”

I began to hear these key phrases repeated so often, in such analogous order, that I grew suspicious if my side was being listened to at all. And then, just as one of these Jesus Bros was about to hit the climax of his speech, it came to me…