Republicans | Waiting for Satan

When Facebook first became accessible to me, it was my favorite thing in the world. I could talk to my friends, play fun-stupid games, and posts pictures of myself looking cool. It was a little shrine dedicated to the center of my universe – Myself.

Unfortunately, like all places of worship, as Facebook grew in popularity so did its message become diluted. The joys of connecting through mutual self-worship were lost under a wash of political capitalization. People stopped posting about their lives and thoughts and started posting links to banal sponsorships and teutonic memeary. I received friend requests from people in countries I’d never even heard of, who immediately invited me to an event I’d never be able to attend. If they were really my friends, they would know I don’t have the time or means to attend their one-man charity show to stop Kony2012.

The beauty of simple narcissism had been taken over by a desire to acquire political currency.

The fastest way to disengage me from your religious views is to mix them in with politics, an occurrence all too common on my quickly disintegrating Facebook.

When I looked at my Facebook this is now what I saw: a place less about self-expression and more about self-aggrandizement. The Gods of Us had become tools to push product. We’d sold ourselves into a plantation where we were both slave and slavedriver. So, like every other god I’d once loved, I decided to abandon Myself.

~Fin

For a good chunk of my childhood, I did not speak. This was the height of my popularity.

Because, at this time, my parents were hippie liberal bohemians, they decided it would be best if I got my education in home environment where I would be free to till the garden-heart of my inner creativity. They purchased a book called Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons and some puppets and some building blocks and I went on to receive the greatest early childhood education anyone could ever receive.

After just 100 lessons, (which were as difficult as advertised), I became literate. I mostly used my newfound power to figure out which cereals were most delicious.

I was an excellent reader, and probably had far superior vocabulary and much clearer syntax than any of my peers, but for some reason I never felt the urge to express these skills through verbal communication. Even when I spoke to my mom it was in a whisper.

Any free time not spent reading was spent staring at walls, trying to help my dolls process the accumulated knowledge into the key to unlocking the doors of perception.

I continued this trend of silent knowledge accumulation until about fifth grade, when I began to grow tired of never getting my way, but was still unable to speak.

So instead of talking, I began to develop “anger issues.” I would break things and throw things and cry. This quickly ended my reign of popularity.