I Drop Truth-Bombs on Canada

Posted on November 19, 2013 by qrparker

I hope you’re in a shelter, because I’m about to drop some drone-bombs on the middle-east of your ignorance about Canada.

A year or so after I started college, my entire family decided it would be a great idea to move to Canada now that I was trapped in America for three years. Was this abandonment? I definitely assume so.

So off they went in a plane, and landed in the city called Burnaby, which is kind of like a suburb of Vancouver – two towns which mean nothing to be because they’re not in Real America.

When I went to help my family move into the Great White North, many stereotypes about the Canadian people were quickly dispelled. The most important one I will discuss here today.

For some reason, everyone in Real America thinks Canadians are super nice and polite. We need to stop telling them that. You know how you’re not supposed to tell kids they’re special because then they grow up thinking they’re just inherently special without doing anything of value or even being a half-decent person? That’s what we’re doing to the Canadians.

We’re allowing Canada to become a nation of self-righteous assholes, and I am NOT going to allow them to steal our thunder. So let me set the record straight right here and right now:

Canadians ARE NOT nice.

Canadians are NON-CONFRONTATIONAL.

There is a HUGE difference.

Yep. They’re not nice. They’re just as evil as all of us. The only difference is they’d rather kill themselves than insult you to your face. I hope too many innocents weren’t lost in my drone-strike of truth, but if my president is to be believed (WHICH HE IS, ALWAYS), this is unavoidable.

~Fin

Yelling at People During Meetings

Posted on November 6, 2013 by qrparker

Sometimes in my line of work, I end up yelling at people. Not that yelling is technically in the job description. I’m not a foreman or middle-manager, where yelling is essentially your defining characteristic (that, and a deep-seated sorrow, although that’s something I do have, thank you very much.)

If I were in a job that requires me to be exploitative, like a congress-human (note the gender-neutralization – I’m very inclusive) or if I was the president, I think my yelling might be justified. The president has to spend all day of his or her day trying to wrangle in a slithering herd of psychopaths and liars, hoping to milk their venom into something semi-useful. If you’re a congress-human, you’re a snake who spends all day yelling about how everyone else is probably a snake. If the president yells, everyone pays attention because it probably means China has finally decided to invade using their perfectly synchronized gymnast-girls. If congress-humans yell, it means they’re just trying to fit in. Yelling in the case of both of these professions would be considered appropriate.

When I get passionate about something, I don’t speak.

I pontificate.

A paper isn’t bad, it’s an opaque mess of troglodytic drivel.

A performance isn’t unsatisfactory, it’s sub-par to the point of non-existence.

An idea isn’t poor, it’s an insult to the intelligence of every organism born over three-minutes ago.

Needless to say, this hurts people feeling beyond the recommended threshold for not receiving murderous glares. If I was a politician, this kind of dense yet vague criticism would not only be encouraged, it would be essential.

I, however, do not have a job in politics. Many people say I don’t have a job at all.

What is it exactly?

Sit down and I’ll tell you, friend.

What I have is an internship at a research journal.

To what does that entail, exactly? To put it in Layman’s terms (Larry Layman – a dumb guy I know):

I provide an outlet for cocksure nerds to publish their thoughts regarding schoolwork. Also I hurt people’s feelings during meetings.

It’s a tough job, but some has to be unpaid to do it.

~Fin

Anarchy, Week 2

Posted on October 10, 2013 by qrparker

As we close in on the second week without a government, my fellow citizens and I begin to see the repercussions. I’m living on nothing but cheap canned beans and half dollar ramen noodles. Was this basically my diet before the government left? Who can tell? All the days blend together in this post-democracy hellscape.

If I work out my dumb citizen head-brain, I can almost remember how this government shutdown began. Of course, as a non-politician with limited funds, I can’t even begin to possibly comprehend the complexities of such decisions. Such things require amazing mental gymnastics to make even the slightest sense, and my brain ego is just too human-sized to perform such incredible feats of self-rationalization. I believe it had something to do with how letting poor people see doctors will explode the country with an atomic death bomb of deadly, unsafe human compassion.

What then?

There is no ideology so perfect it can take precedent over basic human compassion. How can you promote the religion of Jesus in one breath and advocate against healing the sick in the next? What would Jesus of the bible (that kind hearted hippie who hung out with vagrants and wanted everyone to love each other) have to say in this situation?

But I suppose none of that matters now. The government is gone, and as far as I reckon, they ain’t coming back. Only a matter of time before Cormac’s McCarthy’s road winds through the once vibrant and beautiful streets of our land. All we left to remember our once great nation is the post office. Allelujah, brothers without leaders.

~Fin

America Finally Ends

Posted on October 3, 2013 by qrparker

So guess what? I’m living in an anarchist state.

A couple of days ago, the American government officially shut its doors. And then locked those doors, and flipped their country off, and then went off to enjoy the paychecks they’re still receiving thanks to the 27^th amendment to our constitution. In this way, the 27^th amendment is kind of the perfect allegory for the American Government itself. That is:

On paper it has good intentions

In practice it’s selfish and juvenile

It took over 200 years to get done.

That’s what I don’t understand. Democratic and Republicans both love the same things – eating expensive foodstuffs, gerrymandering districts, taking pictures of their dicks – they’re like the two kids in school fighting over Star Wars and Star Trek. You’re both a bunch of fucking nerds who like stars! Stop arguing over whether the stars are going on a trek or going to war!

Everyone should have figured out that America is the greatest country in the world – if you’re already rich. Otherwise it kind of blows. We have to go into personal debt to receive what places like Canada and France take as basic human rights.