Gone Goose

Posted on March 27, 2014 by qrparker

You can’t walk in the grass by my apartment complex, because if you do, you will step in goose poop. Goose poop, like most bird poop, is not as unpleasant to step in as say, mammal poop, because birds eat mostly grass. You don’t really notice it, and it doesn’t stick to your shoes, but if you look down, you feel like a disgusting human being.

Due to no choice of my own, I am now relatively familiar with the behavior of geese. Here are three behaviors I have observed:
#1 Geese are braver alone than in a group.

#2 Geese and squirrels are surprisingly cool with each other.

#3 Geese possess the ability to hiss AND THEY HAVE TEETH.

The particular goose I happened to step on spends a lot of time on the sidewalk. Maybe he just wants attention, because he should know by now that sitting on sidewalks highly increases the probability of getting smooshed by humans.

How do I know it’s the same goose?
Because all the other geese have flown back to Canada.
At first I thought it was because he couldn’t fly, and his friends had to leave him behind.

Apparently, this goose just likes to hang around my sidewalk, making my life that much more difficult.

And thus mankind and goose grew a little bit closer.

~Fin.

More Canada

Posted on January 16, 2014 by qrparker

I’m back in North North America until school starts up. Canada is nice place to vacation, because everyone does their best to ignore you, especially if you’re the kind of person who looks a little troublesome.

I went to see a movie with Sister One. It was more difficult than you’d think, because in Canada, days that are close to holidays count as holidays.

In order to travel to the movie, we took this magical train not available in Real America called the Skytrain. Cars are the transportation of land, airplanes are the transportation of the air, and the Skytrain is transportation of the middle.

In case you couldn’t figure out what a Skytrain is by the name or that helpful diagram, a Skytrain is a train whose tracks are suspended in the sky rather than bolted into the ground.

A lot of Canada’s culture is based around doing the opposite of whatever Real America is doing. It’s like those teenage boys who hate Justin Bieber so much that they pay $500 dollars to go to his concert to throw an empty water bottle at him. Justin Bieber doesn’t care where the money comes from. All he cares about is that people keep saying his name. (YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE FREE PUBLICITY, JUSTIN BIEBER’S MARKETING TEAM.)

I always enjoy my time here, but I think I’m about ready to return to Real America, where the only Canadians you see pretend like they don’t hate you.

~Fin

Pilgrims (and genocide)

Posted on November 28, 2013 by qrparker

This will be the first American Thanksgiving I will be spending away from my family. They live up in Canada, which celebrates Thanksgiving in October, because they are insane.

Once, a group of religious-fundamentalists braved the treacherous oceans and landed on the shores of an unfamiliar country.

They were called Pilgrims.

Back in their motherland, these Pilgrims were terribly oppressed (I assume for their completely misinformed notions regarding fashion accessories.) They wanted, more than anything, to travel to a place where, for once, they could be the ones doing the oppressing.

And oppress they did. These great Anglo-Saxons would go on to oppress just about every possible group you can organize humans into besides White/Hetero/Male. Hell, sometimes they’d even oppress the Polish, and they’re as white as they come.

So what is the meaning of American Thanksgiving?

Well, for a brief moment before all the killing and raping and oppressing began, a couple of pilgrims made friends with a neighboring tribe of American natives, and they ate a meal. And before anyone starts getting pissed about the insensitive nature of that description, please remember this event is so poorly documented I can say pretty much anything.

We shouldn’t forget the sins of our ancestors, but, we shouldn’t take them on either. Saying that a group of people is responsible for actions that occurred before they existed is just as regressive as any other social tendency that lumps people into groups. As the world grows more connected, we lose distinction, but we gain the realization that distinction exists as far we chose to allow it.

We all need to eat.

~Fin

I Drop Truth-Bombs on Canada

Posted on November 19, 2013 by qrparker

I hope you’re in a shelter, because I’m about to drop some drone-bombs on the middle-east of your ignorance about Canada.

A year or so after I started college, my entire family decided it would be a great idea to move to Canada now that I was trapped in America for three years. Was this abandonment? I definitely assume so.

So off they went in a plane, and landed in the city called Burnaby, which is kind of like a suburb of Vancouver – two towns which mean nothing to be because they’re not in Real America.

When I went to help my family move into the Great White North, many stereotypes about the Canadian people were quickly dispelled. The most important one I will discuss here today.

For some reason, everyone in Real America thinks Canadians are super nice and polite. We need to stop telling them that. You know how you’re not supposed to tell kids they’re special because then they grow up thinking they’re just inherently special without doing anything of value or even being a half-decent person? That’s what we’re doing to the Canadians.

We’re allowing Canada to become a nation of self-righteous assholes, and I am NOT going to allow them to steal our thunder. So let me set the record straight right here and right now:

Canadians ARE NOT nice.

Canadians are NON-CONFRONTATIONAL.

There is a HUGE difference.

Yep. They’re not nice. They’re just as evil as all of us. The only difference is they’d rather kill themselves than insult you to your face. I hope too many innocents weren’t lost in my drone-strike of truth, but if my president is to be believed (WHICH HE IS, ALWAYS), this is unavoidable.

~Fin